When we manage the care of another, we tend to do everything within our means to be of service – we run errands; we cook and clean; we attend medical appointments. Caregiving tasks seem never ending. There’s always something to do.
We caregivers have a strong desire to be useful. But doing too much too soon can be harmful to our stamina and mental health in the long run. It can also erode a person’s self-confidence and self-respect.
Here’s an example… Let’s say mom asks you to get her a glass of water while you’re watching TV together. You think nothing of fulfilling her request and you hop out of your comfortable chair and head for the kitchen. What’s wrong with this you might be thinking? Overtime, we are unknowingly conditioning the people we care for to become helpless, especially when they are perfectly capable of doing little things for themselves – like getting a glass of water.
Mindlessly doing the little things and waiting on our elders hand and foot makes life more stressful than you may realize. My “Golden Rule” is this: Never do for elders what they can do for themselves.
Think for a moment about the many different things you are doing right now that your elders can easily accomplish on their own. Make a mental note of these tasks. Next time they ask for your help, calmly and pleasantly say, “I am very comfortable in my chair right now, so please do this yourself. I know you can do it.”
The first time they hear these words, they may be shocked, and may even get angry. Again, as calmly as possible remind your elders that they are capable of accomplishing this easy task. Not jumping out of your chair to help will feel awkward at first. What’s more, you are likely to feel guilty, even afraid; but gather the courage to do it just the same.
Now is the time to end the process of doing too much, too soon. Better yet, if you are in the beginning stages of caregiving, try not to help too much too soon. Remember, you will be doing plenty of other things for them.
Saying “no” gets easier over time. Slowly but surely your elders will begin to understand that there are limits to what you will and will not do on a moment-to-moment basis.
Besides, giving them the opportunity to accomplish small tasks on their own maybe just what they need to boost feeling good about themselves.